The Nitwit Consortium
Written & Directed by Justin Armao
Welcome B horror lovers! The Scribblers were surprised with a copy of what is sure to become a new cult classic franchise. Get your vampire slappin pimp hand ready for the baddest mofo with the killer afro, It’s…
Bloodsucka Jones (2014)
The Nitwit Consortium
Written & Directed by Justin Armao
So a couple of weeks ago The Scribblers received an email from The Nitwit Consortium asking if we’d like to feast our eyes their fun B movie. Old Man Feind responded in the affirmative, of course, expecting a digital link as we’ve received in the past but nay these awesome folks sent the actual DVD of their film. Now one would expect some bias here but these awesome folks said simply enjoy it or pass it along to someone who might asking for no positive promo in return. I thought that was exceptionally cool and actually made watching the film more intriguing with no pressure to provide some slanted review. I like to think I have more integrity than that anyway but it’s nice not to feel any pressure to compromise that integrity. I’ve said it before but it bears repeating, if neither myself or Cult like something we just don’t cover it as I see no need to trash what someone put their blood, sweat and tears into. Indie films and bands do just that and we refuse to shit on that here if it just doesn’t happen to suit our taste. So with that out of the way let me tell you a little about Bloodsucka Jones…
I can tell you right up front that if you’re a fan (like The Scribblers are) of the humor delivered up from our friends at Dire Wit Films then you’re gonna love Bloodsucka Jones. Sure it’s a low budget affair, the actors aren’t exactly in Oscar contention (not a slam just honesty) and the FX are purposefully goofy. Instead of trying to be something it’s not Bloodsucka Jones never once takes itself very seriously which is the hallmark of the best Bs. Don’t have a multi-million dollar budget for out of this world FX? Then don’t do that shit on the cheap, embrace your low budget and make them laughably terrible. Bloodsucka Jones does this wonderfully providing some cheesy decent FX where necessary like the Bunny-Man beheading which is terrible and hilarious in its terribleness but that doesn’t tell you much about the film so I suppose I should get back on track.
David (played by writer/director Justin Armao) meets the girl of his dreams Christine (Jessica Dercks) who is a bit out of his league and has a little secret. No, she isn’t a crazy bunny boiler, she’s a bloodsucking vampire. Christine is head over heels for David but her vampire family doesn’t think it’s a very good idea. Christine’s vamp family including brother and coven leader or #1 Stewart (Matt Kelly), crazy bitch Heather (Erin Holt) and #3 Kenny (William Cutting) all hate David and want him out of the picture. David hires the best damn vampire hunter (in his area code) Tony (Travis Woods) to aid him in thwarting the vampire onslaught but I don’t know who exactly is more inept, our fledgling vampire slayers or our douche-crew vampires. There’s one thing for certain: they are all morons!
After a Scooby Doo-esque theft of Stewart’s teddy bear, David and Tony find a map inside the bear after an odd teddy proctology exam or was it some weird teddy bear rape? I’m not sure but it was hilarious. The map leads them to a dollar store vampire slaying sword but our “heroes” are more likely to dismember themselves than any vampire. This is when the coolest vampire killer on the planet enters the scene just in time, that’s right it’s Bloodsucka Jones mothafucka! Jones (Preston Gant) is accompanied by his trusty (and silent) eye candy… oops I mean sidekick Vanessa (Maria Canapino) and together it’s time to whip David & Tony into vampire killin shape. A Rocky-esque montage ensues though I can’t say much for anyone’s vamp slayin’ skills in this flick. It’s a good thing that our vampires are as dim witted as our slayers or they would’ve been undead food in the first few minutes. The idiotic one liners, nonsensical banter and the complete lunacy from everyone is what makes Bloodsucka Jones so much fun. If you’re looking for something serious you’re in the wrong spot friends. This one is made to make you laugh and cringe as it embraces its B-ness in the best ways possible.
There is plenty to love about Bloodsucka Jones from the cartoon montage including unicorn sex (?), a beheaded bunny-man, sacrificed children, and let us not forget Carlooooooooos! Again if you’ve seen other awesome Bs we’ve reviewed from Dire Wit, Isle of the Damned or 7th Day (I promise a review of Mutantis is coming soon!), or The Snygg Brothers’ Beaster Day then Bloodsucka Jones will be right up your alley. This is a film that doesn’t take itself seriously and neither should you. Be prepared for tons of laughs and gallons of obviously fake blood. Also The Nitwit Consortium is planning three more Bloodsucka Jones films so look for more Bloodsucka Jones for years to come. The Scribblers will definitely be on the lookout now and I can’t thank them enough for sending this one on to me or who knows how long I would’ve gone without Bloodsucka Jones in my life.
So B prepared to laugh and B Amazed by what is sure to B a modern cult classic!
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What do you think B movie lovers? Hopefully you’re convinced to check this out! Let us know what you think in the comments below.