Written & Directed by Simon Boyes & Adam Mason
Welcome Scribbler Fans! Feind went looking for some horror last night stumbling across the following description, “After dating a wonderful man, Hope comes back home, sees her daughter Jennifer and goes to sleep. She wakes up in the woods with a psychopath, fighting to survive for more than forty days…” Doesn’t that sound like something worthy of your little peepers? I thought so but was it?
Broken (UK – 2006)
Written & Directed by Simon Boyes & Adam Mason
Broken starts out excellent with a scene reminiscent of Saw (Yes, I tried not to roll my eyes at this). A woman is strapped to a tree by a rope around her neck with an incision stitched up at her midsection. She must remove the stitches, reach inside herself to retrieve a razor blade that has been implanted inside her all while trying to balance on a rocky platform so she doesn’t hang herself. She successfully retrieves the razor blade to cut the rope around her neck falling to the ground with her entrails slipping out and dragging along as she tries to crawl away which is an excellently done practical effect btw. I was excited! Perhaps I had plucked out a good one!
But then Broken continues and continues and continues. My apologies to the writers but Broken kind of goes on and on with perhaps the most moronic victim in history with the atagonist, a back woods reject (Eric Colvin) who isn’t too much better. Our main character Hope (Nadja Brand) returns from a date that went well, giggles with the babysitter, looks in on her daughter then goes to bed. She then wakes up inside what is apparently a coffin and the drudgery of Broken begins. But up to this point the movie is still good, Feind was hooked in. The opening credits also tout this as “based on a true story” which if you do a little research you find that all that is “based on a true story” is that women were found dead in the woods. This logic for using the tag “based on a true story” is akin to saying Titantic and Moby Dick are the same because they both take place at sea… but I digress.
Now one would expect to find that Hope’s Mr Wonderful of her date plays some roll in how she ended up in her predicament in Broken but nope which renders the entire date fairly pointless and a waste of time much like the middle hour of this movie! Hope is put to the same test as the woman we see murdered to start the film only she survives and somehow impresses our psychopath (Don’t ask me how I don’t have a damn clue!). So instead of killing Hope he makes a slave out of her. You can commence yawning at this point as you won’t miss anything important, perhaps take a little nap, read a book or hey, check out some scribbles here on Thy Demons Be Scribblin! Whatever you do will be better than this cinematic masterpiece.
I have to bring this up because as a writer myself I sincerely hope I never write anything this bad though I probably have and probably will. However, the ridiculousness of the middle of Broken is just horrible and not in a good way. At one point Hope gets ahold of the psycho’s knife, she has more than one opportunity to slice his throat, shove it up into his brain or whatever, just stab the fucker and runaway but does she? Fuck no. She waits until the killer notices his knife is missing and only then makes the feeblest attempt I’ve ever seen to try to stab his ass which of course he stops because a 2 year old could have. Later Hope finds herself in possession of the knife again while psycho boy is sleeping but does she slit his throat and walk away from this fucked up situation? Again fuck no, her dumb ass cuts him on the back of the leg (I seriously have no idea what that was supposed to accomplish.) It was at this point that I really just wanted Hope to die in some gory graphic scene for being such an idiot but our psycho is pretty much a moron too so if they could take each other out in some extremely bloody fashion it might just redeem this movie. Don’t hold your breath that shit never happens.
At some point I was so bored I pretty much tuned out and did some promo for the site on social media while my roommate’s moronic dog incessantly licked himself. I only bring up the dog because his licking himself was more interesting than large portions of Broken. But you probably didn’t need nor want to know that but hey, now you know Feind’s mutt is a champion ball licker in case anyone ever asks! But I suppose I should wrap this thing up but don’t expect any pretty pink bows because this stinker deserves a good flush.
So after this movie drags on with nothing really interesting happening you wake up from the little nap you took, or whatever you did so as to occupy yourself, to find psycho boy has brought another slave girl into the mix. She screams and screams until you want to kill her yourself as maybe that will end the movie but no instead psycho boy cuts her tongue out which takes about 5 seconds which perks you up hoping for a big finish then Broken drags on some more. It’s ok you can grab another short nap ‘cause it ain’t over yet. Several boring scenes ensue with Hope poorly silently communicating with the “new girl” y’know bitches can be all clicky HA! Finally new girl gets the idea to fill her sock with rocks to whack psycho boy because he couldn’t possibly notice that her knee high sock is missing and DUH, he doesn’t. New girl waits for “her moment” then whacks psycho over the head from behind but not hard enough and I was hoping he would turn around and punch her in the face but in a nice move new girl swings the rock sock up in a nice upper cut knocking psycho boy on his ass and out cold. Might we at least get a decent ending? Wake up damn it or you’ll miss it! Or just wipe and flush whatever you were doing.
So finally here it was at last the climactic ending that just might save this snorefest that had promise of a gorefest at the beginning, YOU BASTARDS! New girl rather than finishing the job of bashing in psycho boy’s head merely takes the key to free herself and runs away because y’know this bastard only cut her tongue out and kept her chained up as a slave for a couple weeks so sure, he deserves to live. New girl runs off tossing the key to Hope who is afraid to use it, silly Hope I hope she gets shot in the face. Of course psycho boy comes to, grabs his gun and sets off after the new girl. I forget how it happened because I had kind of tuned out but somehow Hope fuckered up her knee and really isn’t able to runaway while our moronic killer is off in pursuit of the tongue-less one. So Hope enters psycho’s tent looking for a weapon and finds her daughter’s teddy bear. This should be a touching moment but this movie has dragged on so much no one gives a fuck at this point. Hope doesn’t reminisce too long tossing the bear aside getting her hands around a nice steel bar. She exits the tent to find psycho has returned from hunting down the newbie. And the writing continues to make no sense here…
The big climax has come! Hope faces off against Psycho-billy, so do we get a nice knockdown drag out fight ending with the not so shocking death of psycho boy? Again the answer as you can probably guess is Fuck No. Instead of the end “battle” psycho boy tosses his gun aside falls to his knees and for some reason wants Hope to bash his skull in. Nope, I didn’t get this either and it steals any suspense, drama or really anything interesting from us. For a moment I didn’t think moronic Hope was going to do it but finally she obliges bashing in psycho boy’s head. I let out a great big sigh hoping the end credits would begin to roll but no it keeps going! Hope wanders off finding a rickety shack not far away with a padlock on the door for some reason. I mean the thing literally looks like a stiff breeze might topple it over but yet there’s a padlock, whatever. Hope looks to see if anyone is inside only to find her daughter who she has occasionally mentioned a few times when she thought of it, y’know what all good moms do. Instead of pulling more of the dilapidated siding from the shack which appears to be the easiest way to go Hope goes back to the locked door to force it open for some reason only known to the writer because he isn’t done boring us to tears yet. Yes, Hope has to force her way through the door because of course it’s booby trapped! Somehow our moron psycho boy who seems to be about as intelligent as a mentally challenged 6 year old was able to come up with an overly elaborate booby trap (seriously folks this one is way over the top or OTT as my partner likes to say). She bursts through the door only to get blasted in the face! Yay, Hope is finally dead and this movie can end. Wait… what… the bitch is getting up? Fuck! Yup apparently a shotgun or whatever it was blast to the face can’t keep Hope down. However her face is pretty fucked up and she can’t see which she seems more concerned with than her daughter who has been tied up in a shack in the woods for over a month. So with Hope wailing and the daughter looking like a frightened mouse the end credits finally fucking roll! Thank Satan I didn’t pay for this because I would seriously want my money back!
I’m thinking you can guess my final verdict if you stuck it out this far. I really can’t believe I wrote that much about this awful film. I mean I just went on and on much like I bitched about this movie going on and on. This movie seemed like it would never end and now you poor reader are probably feeling like this review will never end. Aren’t you seriously just waiting for this to end already? Fuck, shut up Feind and just give the people the verdict they’ve been waiting for instead of praddling on and on. I mean it’s almost like I’m doing it on purpose now just to take up more of your precious time. Will this review ever end? I mean it has to at some point right? Feind just can’t go on and on with one word after another after another like a total fucking asshole, can he? I just might. I mean words are beautiful things and we should all enjoy words because we use them so often. I’ve used many words here. Don’t you like words? I think there’s something wrong with you if you don’t like words. There are so many good words. Words that just make ya feel good. One of my favorite words is “cunt”, isn’t that a wonderful word, boys and girls? You shouldn’t call your mother one but it’s just so much fun to say. Cunt, cunt, cunt cunty cunt, cunt, cunt. You can even make a song out of it! It should make you smile. Are you still with me? Hopefully that made you smile a little because Broken won’t after the first few minutes. I’ll stop fuckin’ with ya now but be warned, Broken is…
So fuck watching Broken. Instead just listen to I'm Broken by Our Skullfucked Artist of the August -
I sincerely hope you didn't get sucked into Broken like Feind did Scribbler Fans. If you did feel free to share your thoughts below in the comments section. Or feel free to tell me how great I am, your choice.
Scribbler Movie Reviews
Feind loves watching movies of all kinds so if we watch it, we tell whether you should as well. I'll share mostly horror but I also enjoy everything from big Blockbusters to micro-budget Independent films.
Enjoy all we do here? Help us bring you even more with a small donation today.