"My heart is gone, I've gone cold"
It’s a sad day friends. This will be the sole post for today. It’ll take all I have today just to get through this so I hope you’re not disappointed. I post this with a heavy heart today as I lost probably the best friend I will ever have this weekend. It was sudden and unexpected but my friend didn’t suffer which is a small consolation in the sea of sorrow that attempts to drown me. Please bear with me as I say goodbye the only way I know how.
Her name was Brenda but she was and will always be known to me as well as a few others as Momma Bear. She had a habit of taking people under her wing, always there to talk when you needed her or just sitting with you in silence when you were at a loss for words. We shared enough good times to fill a book even managing to share a smile during the hard times. She was there trying to help hold together my broken pieces when my life fell apart and I tried to do the same for her when her precious Jim was taken away from us, also too soon, after a long battle with cancer. I’ve never met someone with a brighter disposition that doesn’t annoy you by being overly peppy. She was always positive even when neither you nor she really felt like being positive, she did it anyway. Every time we met out somewhere she never failed to greet me with a huge smile and a hug. I know I talk shit here but I’m a fairly modest person so Momma Bear would always make me blush when no matter what was going on in my life at the time she would brag to everyone in earshot how awesome I was and that I was the best boss she ever had. I had been anticipating the day when I finally get published (if it ever happens) because I knew Momma Bear would swoon with pride. Even if my writing was complete shit she would have shouted from the rooftops and to anyone she ever met thereafter about how great it was and that they should buy a copy now. She would’ve bragged to everyone that she knew the author personally and that what I wrote was pure gold. Sadly she’ll never get to do that now. She had a way of making you feel special whether you felt very special or not. She didn’t know how to love someone halfway, if she took you in you would never have a bigger advocate. On the flip side you didn’t want to piss Momma Bear off either and Satan help you if you hurt one of her cubs. I’ll never meet another person like her if I lived a thousand lifetimes, she was definitely one of a kind.
Some blues because she loved 'em and I have 'em
Enough tears (not really but I'm trying), above all else what made Momma Bear so special was that she was so full of life. I shared more smiles and laughs with her than possibly anyone I’ve ever known. How we came to be friends I really don’t know, it just kind of happened. We are very much a study in “opposites attract” as Momma Bear was supremely sociable, always the life of the party so to speak, while I am very much the opposite, a complete introvert that suffers crippling anxiety when it comes to dealing with a room full of people and that’s if I know them. No one made me feel more at ease than her though and when I needed to get away for a moment she was there to share a smoke usually making me laugh to keep the urge to bolt at bay. No one else I’ve ever known has had that calming effect on me and I doubt there will ever be another.
This song always made me think of Momma Bear
I first met her when I finally moved from the small country area I grew up in to the big metropolis (yeah right) of Buffalo, NY. I took a job in an industry that was new to me and it wasn’t long after I started that she befriended me. As time went on we became better and better friends and also as time went on I worked my way up to a management position at the company we worked at. Shortly after becoming a supervisor there I was put in charge of a team that included Momma Bear. This is when our friendship kicked to another level and when some personal hardships came my way she was right there trying to keep me from falling completely apart. This also led to her favorite story to tell of the good times we shared. One night she insisted I go out instead of staying at home just being depressed so out of respect I relented meeting her at our favorite watering hole. The night started out slow just she and I sharing a few beers on the bar’s deck overlooking the river (large creek really). Her man Jim (they were as married as two people could be lacking only a piece of paper making it legally recognized) wasn’t feeling well enough to come out so for a little while it was just the two of us talking, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Then people we knew started to file in one after the other. It wasn’t long before someone called out, “Shots!” and the night began to spiral out of control. I couldn’t say how many shots we did that night but to say dozens would probably put it in the ballpark. It was a night filled with too much liquor and a ton of laughs leading to two memorable moments neither of us were ever allowed to forget. First Momma Bear liked to joke about her itty bitty titties aka “the girls” and after too many shots she thought it would be a good idea to flash our gay friend who in turn snapped a picture forever after lovingly blackmailing her with the photo. Then after more drinking, that neither of us can to this day remember, the night’s end came with our drunk asses being driven home by another dear friend, Tammy. Apparently at some point memorable incident, the more important one, Number 2 happened though we can deny it since we have no memory of it. It was a nice summer evening so apparently with my encouragement Momma Bear took off her shirt and popped up through the sunroof of our friends car to catch the cool night air. At some point I am told I joined her out the sunroof whooping and yelling about nothing to no one. All I know is I woke up the next day on my couch with a killer hangover. Momma Bear loved telling that story since neither of us actually doubt its authenticity and it marked one of the happiest best nights we spent enjoying each others company. We had more nights of fun than I could ever recount since for years we met at least once a week to share a couple drinks and some laughs later switching to another bar where we met for cheap wings on Thursday nights then added in Sunday afternoons during football season. Momma Bear would bring her awesome coleslaw and my roommate and I would BBQ up our (famous… well it should be) pulled pork. She may just be the only friend I have no bad memories of which is beyond rare. We never fought, never had an argument of any significance and the only bad memory that exists would be the sad passing of Jim who she loved dearly.
The perfect description of my dear friend
I’ve probably gone on too long here but she is beyond worth every word and more. We went to numerous bars to hear local blues bands in addition to several free outdoor concerts sharing some laughs, some cold ones and good music. We never failed to have a good time and only for her would I be able to say I’ve seen The Bacon Brothers live. Yes, I’ve seen Kevin Bacon and his brothers perform and honestly, they weren’t that bad though Grand Funk Railroad was much better. Sadly these memories are all I’ll have now but when they’re as wonderful as the memories I have over the 15 years I knew Momma Bear I can definitely say I’m a better man for having them and her a part of my life. She may be gone now but I will forever carry her in my heart and will never ever forget the one of a kind friendship we shared. I would pick on her and she on me but all just friendly ribbing. I used to tell her she was 10% angel and 90% devil but the truth then and now is that she was 100% pure angel and wherever it is that the cool people go I know she’s there having a great time reunited with her Jim. Keep a seat warm for me you two and I’ll see you on the flipside. My heart may be broken now but I know Momma Bear’s hands are in there trying to stitch it back together already. I can’t say I love that many people but I will always love my Momma Bear. I only hope I can continue to make her proud and when I do finally get published some day I know she’ll be looking over me with that wonderful smile she greeted me with so many times throughout the years. Rest in peace Momma Bear, until we meet again.
I never post pictures of myself but this is a special occasion.
Unfortunately due to distance and the lack of the old green I’m not able to head back to say my goodbyes and reminisce with old friends. I hope you all can forgive me and know that my tears have rarely stopped since first hearing the news. She was the best friend anyone could ever have and I will miss her the rest of my days. I loved you Momma Bear and I always will.
One last one as this is definitely how I feel right now.
"My heart is gone, I've gone cold"
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