Directed by Zack Snyder
Written by David Goyer & Chris Terrio
IMDb Rotten Tomatoes
The movie starts off with Zack Snyder trying to appease the haters of the destruction reigned on Metropolis in Man of Steel preceded by a Batman origin story which is as unnecessary as a rat in a tampon factory. Is there anyone who doesn’t know Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed by a mugger outside of a theater right in front of a young Bruce and that later young Bruce somehow falls into a cave where bats scare the shit out of him? If you didn’t then I presume you’re under five years old and shouldn’t be watching this film anyway. So cut to Bruce Wayne racing to the Wayne Enterprises building as destruction reigns in Metropolis giving us our first “Are you fucking kidding me” stupid moment when Bruce calls his head man “Jack” in the building telling him to evacuate the building because apparently Jack is too incredibly fucking stupid to not have figured that out as he can literally see buildings coming down around him. And with buildings falling everywhere Bruce races into the destruction of Metropolis to do… what exactly? Oh yeah to push one little girl out of the way then glare up at Superman fighting Zod so the camera can pan up for another Zack Snyder movie poster shot (the Wayne logo happened to fall right next to where Bruce is staring up). I had two main complaints about Man of Steel: too many dramatic pauses to the point they get annoying losing all drama and it felt like a movie poster flip book. Now that I’ve seen BvS I can say it suffers all that plus a worse written story which I didn’t think was actually possible.
I know many will disagree with me but much of this film I found utterly fucking boring. We have to wait 98 minutes for the Batman versus Superman fight to happen and it lasts for approximately 8 minutes. A movie that runs two hours and twenty three minutes has 8 minutes of the whole point of the entire fucking movie! For contrast the Clark Kent meets Bruce Wayne scene I think lasted about twice that long or more. Seriously?!? So was that 8 minutes worth it? Was the fight so f’ing good it can’t be missed? No, no it wasn’t. First why would Batman not keep the kryptonite spear like on his hip or something? He sticks it in the floor (the bottom floor) then goes up to the roof to wait for Superman who he thinks will just show up because he’s there? Huh? Batman has no idea Lex Luthor is going to force Superman to come so he turns on the Batsignal and just waits? Don’t try to understand it, it makes no sense. The fight itself only lasts 8 minutes and that is only because three quarters of it is shot in slow motion. At normal speed it’s maybe a two minute fight. You can disagree with me if you want and I’m sure many will but this is not a great fight. I found it completely contrived with no real surprises except for how fucking stupid the end of it was. This is a spoiler review so… MARTHA! It isn’t that I don’t think Batman and Superman shouldn’t come together over their mothers, it’s that it was done so fucking stupid it angered me by its stupidity. The whole movie is Batman hating Superman for the wanton destruction of Metropolis and his potential to destroy the planet and Superman hating Batman for his sheer brutality and vigilantism (though he’s a vigilante himself so it doesn’t make total sense). Then Superman says “Martha” and five seconds later (almost literally) they’re best buddies racing to save Superman’s mommy. Yes, it happens just like that and it is that fucking stupid. It’s even foreshadowed plenty if you’re paying attention but it still makes no sense. Why would Superman say Martha in the first place and not mom or mother which should get to the same end result? Because they were trying to be clever but forgot to actually be clever. So in a nutshell you went to this movie for this fight expecting it to be epic but it isn’t and instead it’s just stupid.
Aside from the big BvS fight this film is supposed to also set up the coming Justice League film. The only other member we really get is Wonder Woman. I think a lot of people are putting on fanboy glasses when viewing Gal Gadot in this film. She does little more than look sexy in every scene she’s in including the big battle at the end. I want to see an awesome Wonder Woman as much as anyone, I remember watching the TV show as a kid every damn week! Gadot can handle the action and look sexy doing it but I see no signs that she can do anything else. The rest of the coming team we didn’t see much of but let me break down what we did see. Everyone seems to be creaming their jeans over The Flash cameo. First, I think he looked awful (that’s subjective with the only comparison being the costume on the TV show), second the scene was stupid for a couple of reasons: a) Flash can time travel, we’ve already seen that on the TV show several times, but when has he only done so by his image coming out of a TV monitor? b) The Flash gives a stupid cryptic message using the word “he”, why in the fuck would he do that when he’s obviously trying to warn Batman about something. Speaking cryptically only makes sense to confuse the audience which is all it does. So, Flash appearance = stupid. Then we get all the rest in a video montage that has seemed to impress fanboys but honestly I was not. I think Jason Mamoa is fantastic but the Aquaman clip was nothing. Aquaman is underwater. Duh! That’s kind of his deal. The worst reveal was Cyborg. Ugh! That one is just fucking terrible. The entire thing just seemed shoved in for fanboy service including Wonder Woman staring at a picture of herself for longer than any of the videos. It was horrible.
When Lex speaks to Superman on the roof setting up the big fight they speak for about 5 minutes yet about 25 minutes of the allotted hour Lex gives Superman to kill Batman pass which we’re shown directly but apparently we’re supposed to be so stupid we don’t notice. I know Batman isn’t immune to killing but in BvS he is really on a mass murder rampage snapping necks like twigs and making sure few bad guys are able to walk away. And yes fanboys, I realize this is an older Batman who has gone through some real shit but when you think of Batman do you think psychopathic killer? Probably not yet this Batman is. Just to prove that Snyder has no idea what to do with Superman we get a montage of Superman poster shots mixed with news discussions on what to think about Superman. The first time Batman and Superman meet, it looks totally cool but it’s a scene that does nothing so ends up being pointless and dumb. The reason Superman comes to the Capital is for a hearing over the desert fight where terrorists were killed but not over the mayhem and destruction in Metropolis???? Huh? Lex apparently hates all “metahumans”, why? Again we have no idea because it isn’t in there. Batman/Bruce Wayne is supposed to be extremely smart though he makes no attempt to merely talk to Superman instead going all extreme saying, “If there is even a 1% chance (that Superman will turn on mankind) we have to take it as absolute certainty.” I had no idea Batman was really Donald Trump or that he was unable to differentiate between 1% and 99% where most intelligent people might think, “Hey, if I talk to this guy maybe I can determine his motivations/intentions.” Nope, there’s a slight chance he could turn bad so kill ‘em now before something that is unlikely to happen actually happens. Again… STUPID! There are just a ton of lines that were trying to be profound but when you think about them they just make no sense. One of the dumbest was baddie Anatoli saying to a captive Martha, “Every time we say goodbye you die a little.” It makes absolutely no sense and thinking about it too hard may actually cause your head to explode.
Batman is pretty cool but I don’t think he is as cool as most everyone else seems to think. I think Batman stands out above everything else in BvS because he’s a shiny rock atop a steaming pile of manure, it’s still a rock but it’s better than the manure. I could go on and on about all the things I didn’t like but I’ll stop and just tell you this, don’t waste your money on this, save it for Civil War and Suicide Squad. Wait, after all that hate Feind you’re recommending we see the next DC movie (Suicide Squad)? Yes, because it isn’t written by David Goyer or Chris Terrio (though he only tried to improve on the Goyer script) and it isn’t directed by Zack Snyder. I like Zack Snyder in other things (except Suckerpunch, that’s garbage) but he is not a great storyteller and the two biggest comic characters in the history of comics deserve someone who is a great storyteller and gets who these characters are. This is a joyless, heartless movie which gives me no hope for the DC universe helmed by this team, Goyer/Snyder, and no desire to see Justice League because of it. I’ve loved Batman since I was a small child so I wanted to like this but it’s just a bad movie no matter how you slice it. You can fanboy drool all over it because it’s the first time Batman and Superman have been on screen together but once that fades what you’re left with is a poorly done movie and for that there is no excuse. They had three fucking years to make this movie great and make something less divisive than Man of Steel but instead they doubled down and perpetuated the problems of MoS further like a big middle finger to anyone who pointed out the flaws in it. Did it work? Well Snyder you have a 29% critic rating and a 71% fan rating so it appears the middle finger is right back at you, sorry… not sorry. Don’t waste time or money on this horrible film.