This piece started as one thing and changed to another as I wrote as my idea expanded. After beginning I realized the tale was going to be far too large to do in one piece so I will be posting as a series as I continue this particular journey. As always my inspiration comes from metal though this one is a dual inspiration. I do not not know how many parts this series will end up being but the writing journey has been extremely fun! Please enjoy!
*proofreading & editing help came from the lovely @1DeadlyAngel Thank you!
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By Feind Gottes
What an absolute shit job that had been. Sweat your ass off in the summer to make just enough to be able to get to that damn place everyday for fifty damn hours a week or more. I often thought it was barely a step above slavery as the pay was nowhere near relative to the hard labor being performed. I remember everyone complained but if we pushed Old Man Clawford too far he just threatened to shut the place down which he had actually done once so no one dared ask for much. The old bastard had owned us and we all knew it. There never was a slave uprising in that crap hole, fucking sheep, but I got out, eventually, so fuck it!
Damn heat though, takes my breath away every time. Sweat breaks out on my forehead almost instantly, I’d curse the day but it was better than shoveling fucking snow I suppose. Sliding on my five dollar sunglasses I push my prized Oakland Raiders ball cap down tight to block as much of that blazing damn sun as possible. Damn cavemen had it good I thought as I made my way to the back of my property. A nice dark cave and not too many damn assholes around to be assholes must’ve been fucking wonderful! What I wouldn’t give to rid this world of every last whiney cunt! They were everywhere, no escape from it and I’m damn sick of it!
Those were just the whiney jackholes that surrounded the real world. The old lady at the diner complaining about her grandkids not visiting and her hemorrhoids, the mailman bitchin’ that some dog or other bit him or chased him, the neighbor bitching I haven’t cut the damn grass like it was his damn property not mine but he doesn’t bitch anymore. Then there was the worse world of whiney shitbags on the world wide whine in social media. I mean how pathetic does your life really have to be for you to whine 24/7 to anonymous strangers on everything from their damn Facebook pages to their blogs of woe on Tumblr or Wordpress or whatever. I don’t understand why every whiney shitsack needs us to see all their pathetic pleas for attention like anyone cares. I wanna just shove a fucking butcher knife through every one of their damn throats. Then there was the ease of short, constant “look at me!” whines of Twitter and of course the endless supply of twhores. Women so starved for attention that anyone who says hello must want to fuck them nine ways to Sunday or the male twhores that send a pic of their junk to every woman in the world hoping someone will fall in love with their pathetic little peckers. All I can think is there will never be enough bullets for all of them. Fuck I hate everyone!
Someday I’ll burn this entire fucking world to rubble destroying them all but for now all I can do is grin, bear it and try to have some fun. The way things are going the biggest bitch of all, Mother Nature, will take care of them for me anyway. She could certainly hurry the hell up about it though; so many whiney fucks just need to bleed out. Let the streets run red! The religious nutbags like to talk of infidels such a shame I really like that word they’ve stolen. All I see are fucking infidels everywhere; everyone is an infidel in my eyes and I want to kill them all. I want to bath in their fucking blood and make a nice meatloaf from their pathetic brains. Fuckers aren’t using it anyway. Damn now I’m hungry.
I know there probably isn’t anyone around for at least five miles in every direction but I can’t help giving a look as I walk. I’m nonchalant about it just gazing around my property is all anyone would think if I were to be seen. Lil ol’ me heading into to get my lawnmower or something is all anyone would think, right? I didn’t think anyone suspected anything but you could never be too sure. I thought that damn local yokel had given me a look when my poor neighbor had his “accident” but he wasn’t eyeballing me anymore. Wood chipper boy wasn’t my first neighbor to reach an unfortunate end but country living ain’t easy, accidents happen all the time. A squirrel jumps from the garage roof to a nearby pine alerted to my presence much as the robin a second ago. It doesn’t distract me much; I just can’t stop seeing that dumb shit’s face.
How in the fuck did I manage to get so many damn keys? I really need to go electronic but if that shit fails you’re fucked. My damn key ring is starting to make me look like a high school janitor on my own damn property but can’t be too cautious. Damn kids get bored in the country and I didn’t need any bored teens in need of a place to work out their teen hormones using my garage for their awkward sexual experiences.
Lucifer kept most of them away but he was getting older now. Looking over now I can see him laying down just inside the huge mansion I built for him. Lucifer deserved something nice not some pathetic leaky dog house. A little fresh water should perk him up not that he didn’t always have his eyes peeled.
“Just a minute buddy. I’ll be right there.” The beast stood, exiting his cool abode wagging his bushy tail at his master’s voice.
I can’t help smiling looking at Lucifer’s beauty. He was an oddity, a jet black German shepherd looking more like a wolf than shepherd but I had his papers, total purebred. I hadn’t picked him, he had picked me. There had been six pups when I went to pick him out. He saw me running over immediately kissing my face. I had never had a more loyal friend than Lucifer. Visitors were generally pinned in their vehicles until I escorted them in or chased them off. Lucifer didn’t screw around; if you enter my property unexpected you were likely to need an ambulance to leave though I can’t remember ever calling anyone an ambulance. Fuck em. They shouldn’t trespass. There were signs after all.
After fumbling with my damn key ring several times I finally managed to unlock all six locks. Stepping inside the dark garage was almost like stepping into an air conditioned store as it was easily fifteen to twenty degrees cooler in here. I flicked the light switch just inside the door bringing the familiar hum to the overhead fluorescents. They flickered a few times as always before coming to life over the mostly barren space. The space was pretty much empty other than my beat up ’84 Olds Cutlass which may look like a giant tub of crap but under the sun faded black paint, numerous dings and dents and a nice layer of dust was a finely tuned machine. I had dropped a big block 350 in it years ago which I kept tuned with race car precision. It was supposed to look unnoticeable until some asshole ended up in its ample trunk. They tended to remember my good ol’ jalopy at that point.
“There you go Lucifer, have a nice cold drink. Good boy.” I patted my security alarm on the head as he looked up at me with affection, “Keep an eye boy, I’ve got work to do. Be back with a treat for you real soon, ‘kay.” A slight wag of his tail let me know he understood the word “treat” which always brought a little smirk to my face.
On my way back to the garage I tossed the spent plastic bottle in the recycle bin ‘cause I’m all environmentally conscious and shit. Honestly I could give two shits as my little recycling efforts meant nothing with how bad we’ve fucked this planet up but I didn’t need some jackhole from the town coming down here complaining either. Fuckin’ little pricks always had something to bitch about. Wish I could do something about those interfering little pricks but unfortunately those bastards would be missed plus they seemed to keep meticulous records so best to just give ‘em nothing to come out here bitching about. That one little shit Jason something did look awfully tasty, Lucifer couldn’t stop drooling last time he had come out. Perhaps someday we’d find out but there’s other fish to fry at the moment. The thought made me smile despite the heat.
Once again I made my way to the back of my garage this time just to relock the door, it was time for breakfast. My garage may look from the outside like it just may fall over given a big enough breeze but that was just a façade. This damn thing was reinforced as much as it could possibly be unless an F5 ‘nadoe ripped through it’d most likely still be standing. If not folks around here would be in for a little surprise probably burning me at the stake for what they would find. I didn’t really give a fuck but in order to keep ridding the world one asshole at a time I needed to keep what I did here to myself. People shouldn’t be such nuisances anyway and I had to have a little fun after all.
I gave another look around but there was no one in sight now that my last neighbor had suffered his little accident. Damn that made me smile every time I thought about it. He was an incredibly nosey asshole but not anymore so now there was no one within sight of my humble abode. When he was around I had to enter my little space from inside but that was just no fun. I preferred entering through my secret door ‘cause it was just damn cool.
All along the back of my garage I had planted nice tall bushes. Of course anyone looking just thought it was nice landscaping, I did keep them well manicured. Their real purpose obviously was just concealment but no one ever thought of that. I was harmless and friendly after all, that thought always made me laugh, “How d’ya do? And fuck you!” I was still chuckling to myself as I popped the hidden latch opening the door to my secret domain.
The burst of cool cellar air felt great on my face as I stepped over the threshold beginning the descent down the stairs. It had taken me years of careful soil removal to make this place but it was worth every second of the effort. This was my sanctuary, my secret place to do as I pleased with no one the wiser in the world outside. The door shut automatically behind me with an audible click sealing in the freshness so to speak another thought that made me chuckle to myself.
The entryway which is what all this space was did look a bit bomb shelter-ish. Shelves stocked with enough dry goods to feed a small army for a couple months lined the outside wall while the other wall appeared to be a blank concrete slab but, of course, that’s how it was supposed to look. I reached up to the ceiling popping the hidden latch in the middle of the wall popping another secret door open. I gave it a push walking through the six inch thick cut out door to my special place.
There he was the current asshole I was getting ridding the world of. Gonna have to teach the bastard a little respect, not even lifting his head to greet his humble host. I guess I can’t blame the little fucker. I did already feed his right leg to Lucifer who thought he was just delicious but the hanging slab of meat didn’t seem to agree.
“Wake up shithead!” I greet him with a nice hard slap across the cheek.
His eyes flutter to life but seeing me doesn’t seem to make him very happy. I’ve only had him down here for about a week and he thinks he’s already learned what misery is. Poor, sad little man, he doesn’t seem to get that his suffering has only yet begun but he’ll learn. They all learned by the end.
“Wakey, wakey my boy! Want some breakfast? I know Lucifer does!” I can’t help laughing, he is such a pathetic asshole.
A groan issues from his chapped pale lips which only annoys me further. I guess I could gag him but then he’d just huff and puff around which may be slightly more annoying. It was too soon to end him yet, he still had plenty of fresh meat left and poor Lucifer needs his din-din.
I slap the slab of meat that used to be a man again just because I like it. He’s awake now to keep that blood flowing to all his tender morsels. The cauterized wounds ooze slightly but they’re remaining closed so he doesn’t bleed out on me. I give the stump of what was a right leg a pat just to make sure I have his full attention.
“So whadya think my baby would like today? Rump roast or shank? I’ll let ya choose numbnuts.” I can’t help laughing again, I kill me.
Another annoying groan escapes his lips as I turn to fire up the stove just behind me slapping the cast iron skillet over the flame. I know Lucifer is hungry but so am I. Grabbing my butcher knife and sharpening rod I turn back around to the meat sack hanging by my homemade barbwire restraints hooked over a giant meat hook suspended from the ceiling. I can only imagine how wicked I must look to him with my head tilting down, a smile spread across my lips as I sharpen my blade.
“So what say you, rump, leg, arm, back? Where can I get my Choice Cut today? Hmmm?” I love this game, “What’s a matter Barney Phife? Cat got yer tongue? No cats here but Lucifer will fucking love it!” I can’t stop cracking myself up today.
I never did like the way this local pig looked at me. I think he’s learned not to eyeball me now though. Another cackle escapes my lips at the thought of pig, I do love bacon. I know he isn’t going to answer me anyway. Walking around behind him I jab him with the sharpening rod a few times searching for a nice tender spot forcing out a few annoying grunts. I set the sharpener down and start to carve.
His annoying grunts turn to screams and pleas for me to stop as fresh blood trickles down his backside. I can’t stop laughing while slicing the tender flesh at the small of his back. He doesn’t seem to like hearing it sizzle when I toss it in the skillet but it smells so good my mouth is watering. I tried not to drool while slicing off more strips of meat for my skillet which was more of a chore than the slicing.
I pluck a half cooked slice from the skillet dangling it in front of his face, laughing all the while. He had at least given up his protesting since I had taught him that it was a painful mistake he shouldn’t make. I crammed it into his gaping maw warning him against spitting it out.
“Swallow it. That’s a good little piggy! Oink, oink mother fucker!” I just can’t stop cackling.
I should be a damn standup comedian or something, if only I could bring an audience here. The thought brings forth another loud burst before I get myself under control. The day is young no need to ruin it pissing my pants laughing besides my hanging piggy may enjoy that and we just can’t have that. I can’t let that happen down here in my world, my piggy wasn’t to enjoy one single millisecond down here.
There’s no denying that bacon is perhaps the tastiest damn thing on the face of this planet and damn if my little piggy didn’t taste mighty fine. My hanging meat sack might be complaining but he had to know now that he tasted damn good by now. I finish my tasty piggy strips grab the iron skillet I had left on the burner to get piping hot and tend to the wound I had made for my breakfast. The sizzle is utterly delightful causing yet another wicked cackle to escape my lips as he writhes in anguish. He’s damn lucky I don’t just knock him over the head with it but he needed to suffer so knocking his dumbass out was just out of the question.
“You taste damn fine Piggy! Damn fine! Now stop your damn squirming. It’s Lucifer’s turn.” My chuckles are gone as I drop the skillet back on the burner and retrieve my knife.
I like to work my way up from the toes to see how long they can last. Amazingly they can last a nice long time keeping their tender meat nice and fresh for Lucifer and me. This nosey little pig had come around to ask me a few questions about my neighbor’s little accident. Stupid fucker should’ve known better than to come on my property off duty with no partner in tow. Coming alone out of uniform, I figured must be he just wanted to be dinner so he has been for a little over a week now. Guess the little prick should’ve told somebody where he was going. Probably thought little ol’ me was nothing to be concerned about. He had learned now.
“Lucifer thanks you pigfucker! You sit tight I’ll be back shortly. Don’t you go no where now!” I am a damn comedian.
Back outside I set the dish down for Lucifer who sets to it like a starving man. I smile looking at how happy my protector is chowing down on a good for nothing nosey cop. At least he was finally good for something other than woofing down doughnuts and coffee that is. The thought nearly makes me laugh again when a car pulls in my driveway catching both Lucifer’s and my attention.
I immediately recognize the colors of our local finest plus the light bar across the hood is a dead giveaway. More pigs, what the hell do they want now? I suppress the urge to see if they’d like some of my delicious bacon. Instead I shoot them a smile and a wave because isn’t that what normal people do? It was definitely too fuckin hot for this shit already.
“Howdy Sheriff! What brings ya way out here on this god awful sweltering day?” I ask now close enough for them to hear me.
“Hello Mrs Warner. Sorry to bother you but I just need a moment.” Sheriff Brown was polite but serious.
“Anything I can do to help Rex and it’s just Luna. You can drop the formalities out here; I got no use for ‘em.” My smile is friendly and cordial so I can get these pigs the hell off my property as quick as possible.
I act like I had to think about it, I was ready for any questions they threw out at me. I thought I’d even surprise ‘em with a touch of the truth. “Well Rex as I can remember Joe came out here maybe a week, week and a half ago. I forget which day, I do forget the time out here sometimes, everyday the same and all. He asked again about the accident hoping I’d remember seeing or hearing something I guess. I think I may have given him a glass of my sweet tea, would you like some by the way?” They shook their heads saying thanks so I continued, “That’s okay. I may be mistaken about the tea but that was about it. Got in his car and left and that was the last I saw of him. Last I saw of anyone come to think of it until you fellas just pulled in.” I was laying the sugar in my voice on a bit thick but no point arousing suspicion from the local yokels if I didn’t need to.
“Can you remember what day it was Luna? It would really help us out.” Sheriff Rex shot back.
“Well… what’s today? Tuesday?”
“Yeah it’s Tuesday Luna.”
“Then it had to be either last Sunday or Monday evening. Don’t ask for the time ya can see I don’t wear a watch. I’m 99% positive it was Sunday though. Yeah it was Sunday because I remember those damn church bells. I can hear those damn things all the way out here. There oughta be a law Rex, damn public nuisance they are!” I particularly enjoyed this final touch. I had to fight back a laugh so I didn’t give myself up. Comedian? I should win a damn Oscar for this shit!
“Was the sun still up or was it dark Luna? Can you tell us that?” Rex completely ignored the question of the church bells.
“It was right about dusk, Rex. That’s really all I can tell ya. Did ya know he came out here? Don’t mean to speak ill of the well… whatever he might be but if it wasn’t official Rex I might have to file a complaint.”
“He mentioned he might stop out to talk to you again Luna that’s about as official as it gets out here in the sticks. Thanks for your help Luna we much appreciate it. He was alone right?”
“Yep was alone and out of uniform Rex. I’m not mad mind you. I know the damn townies call me Looney Luna but I’m not ya know. I like to be left alone Rex so next time please, call first.” Damn I need to control my anger. I hated those fuckers for that nickname, not too many of them left now though, not many at all.
“Have a good day Luna. If I think of anything else I’ll be sure to call first and if you see anything odd or spot Joe you call me, y’hear.” Sheriff Rex didn’t wait for my reply just got back in his pig car to pull out.
I said something to make him suspicious, damn it! Now I’m gonna have to deal with that shit. I waved and smiled as the sheriff car pulls off formulating how to deal with that problem in my mind already. The sheriff was gonna be a problem. Sheriffs have accidents too, unfortunate accidents.
The Cruelty Without Beauty Chronicles
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